Friendship Series Part 5: Facebook Friends

Hi Lovelies! I didn't write for the Friendship Series last week 'cause I thought maybe I was done with it. But I've been thinking some more and thought I'd write a quick post!

Remember when you first joined Facebook?? If you were at all like me, you started looking for people from your past! I'd tracked down people from college, high school, middle school, elementary school, and other random people. I started searching old boyfriends or boys that I liked. So curious to see what everyone was up to! Where were they living? What were they doing? I realized some of the people who were my best friends, I no longer had anything in common with. People I didn't know very well back in the day seemed to be a lot cooler now. It was fabulous! All this reconnecting!

It was also a way to keep up with new friends. Just meet someone and add him/her on Facebook! Suddenly, instead of actually getting to know that person, you could see everything you needed to know just on the Facebook page... favorite movies, tv shows, activities; political and religious leanings; info on who they were friends with, things from their past, etc. 

At some point, I can't entirely put my finger on when... it went from being Facebook to being Fakebook. People started falling in to one of two categories: the people that talked about how fabulous their life was allll the time (whether it really was or not) and the people that complained about how miserable things were alll the time (again, whether it really was or not.) Just scrolling through my newsfeed got frustrating and depressing.

I started to look very seriously through my friends list and realized I hardly knew these people. These weren't really my "friends" these were people that had passed through my life at one point or another. Some I wasn't ready to let go of, and others had no reason to be still there.

I think Facebook in general has really de-personalized how we view friends and friendships. "Writing on someone's wall/timeline" now constitutes "keeping in touch." You can stop being friends with someone simply by "unfriending" them.

I've considering doing away with Facebook altogether, simply because of the whole superficiality of it all. What about you? Have you made any comparisons between your Facebook friends and your real life friends? Do you feel it's gotten a lot more fake recently? Or are you still having fun finding old friends and playing Farmville? ;) I'd love to hear what you all think! Oh, and don't forget to check out my Facebook page. hahahahahhaah:)

Friendship Series: Part 4--Keeping Friends

It's that time again! Another weekend post in my friendship series! Quick recap, I've shared with you some of my experiences, talked about how to find friends, and how to make friends. Maybe you've made it this far. You've found some people with shared interests and you've hung out a bit, but how do you make it last?

To go along with my dating comparisons, you're ready to "go steady" (omg, do kids even say that anymore? Hahah, I remember in high school [I graduated in '01] I'd be all like, "I'm going out with Mikey" or "Becky is going out with Seth" and my mom would ask, "Where are you going?" "Mommmmm," I'd sigh and roll my eyes, "we're not going anywhere, it's just means we're boyfriend girlfriend" haha. Ah, the good old days.)

Anyway! How do you get to be in a serious/committed (lol) friendship with someone?

I can sum it up in three words:

It


takes


work.

There's no magical recipe to be BFF-dom. (at least not that I've found). What I have discovered is you get out of a friendship what you put in. So those "dates" I mentioned going on to get to know your new friend? You have to keep doing that. Continue going to coffees, lunches, dinners, brunches, movies, etc. so you can constantly build on the foundation you started.

If you have shared interests, do them together--go to the pool, the beach; play tennis; go hiking; go shopping! Whatever it is you (or she) likes, do it together! Include her in decisions you're making; problems you're having; thoughts you're thinking.

Talk to her! Call her, text her, email her, Facebook her, Tweet her--whatever your preferred way of communication is--do that! (I'm not gonna lie, this is the one I'm not very good at. I love getting emails from people, but I am sooo horrible at replying! If I don't write back as soon as I get it; I will probably forget all about it).

And above all; be honest. Be honest about who you are. Don't try to be someone you think people want to like, be someone who YOU like and others will like you:) (that's so fortune cookie-ish, but I promise it's true:)

And if they don't like you; they really shouldn't be your friend. You are too wonderful a person to waste your time on non-friend-worthy people.

Friendship Series: Part 3--Making Friends

Hi Lovelies! Last night I told you all about how I "find" friends. Let's be honest though, once you find them, you're not done yet. How is it that you actually MAKE friends?

If you put two toddlers in the same room, chances are they'll start playing together and get along just fine. We look at them and say, "Oh, those two are just the best of friends!" It doesn't work that way when we grow up;) You can be in a room full of people who *could* be your friends, some may even say *should* be your friends, and still you can feel completely alone. So how do you make that leap from getting to know someone to being their friend?

I can only speak from personal experience and in no way should this be considered expert advice or anything! I know I've mentioned it before, but building friendships really is a lot like dating. You go through the same stages of trying people out, seeing how their interests/values/beliefs fit into your life and lifestyle.

I told you yesterday that I use Meetup to meet people now; friendships don't become just by going to events. I see Meetup activiities (or really any social setting you're at surrounded by a lot of new people) as a smorgasboard of friends. Really, any of those people around me COULD BE my new BFF. It's a matter of "trying out" all of them and seeing which really works. Like trying on dresses! Finding the one that fits the best and makes me feel fabulous:)

After meeting new people, it's time to take the next step and ask them out! (see? Like dating!) You are ready for your first date! A first date with a new potential girl friend can be anything you want (better if something you BOTH want. I'm all about shared interests in making new friends:) You can go for coffee or out to lunch; go see a movie or go shopping; go bowling or mini-golfing. Basically, anywhere you can just hang out and get to know each other.

If it goes well, go out again. And just keep building on that relationship. Be honest about who you are. No one wants MORE fake friends, I promise. Talk about your past, things that make you who you are today. Talk about your future, your goals, where you want to be. Talk about things that make you smile! Find common ground, but be willing to go outside your comfort zone, too. The good thing about good friends is that they can bring out the best in us and also make us better! You can learn so many things from someone if you just give their interests a try.

It's not all rosy and perfect though. Like dating, you are not going to "fall in love" (for lack of a better term) with every friend. Accept that and know that going in. If you don't like her as much after hanging out with her a few times? So what! Life is too short to surround yourself with people that don't really belong there. Just move on and find someone who does work in your life!

How about your? What techniques have you found to make new friends? How do you get people to go from the acquaintance level to the friend level?

So hard to say goodbye...

Lately, I've been talking about how difficult it can be to make friends as we get older (many of you agreed:) And I also mentioned that I have this thing that I call the "revolving door of friendship" or something where it seems like I just keep going through friends. At the time, I mentioned it was because of realizing either she didn't like me or I didn't like her.. or just a gradual drifting apart. I think it's almost easier losing friends that way than some crazy break up. Or having someone move away.

I've made a few *true* friends here in Florida, probably less than a handful of girls I'd actual consider to be real friends. Emily is one of those girls. She is one of the absolute cutest, sweetest girl I've ever met. She's smart, she's fun, she helped me learn to knit! She just has a very tender disposition which makes her very easy to like.

Facebook says we became friends June 2, 2011, but we actually met at Panera on Thursday, May 26, 2011. It has been a growing friendship (one I was super excited about!) and then a couple weeks ago, I found out she's moving to Georgia. *sigh*

This is an awesome opportunity for her career, and it's selfish of me to want her to stay here, lol. But it's definitely pretty depressing for me to see her go.

Anyway, I just wanted to let her know how much I appreciate her friendship; and how hard it is to say goodbye. But Atlanta isn't that far away, and I know we will keep in touch. (plus, I'm kind of pressuring her into starting a blog of her own so that I can keep up with her life;)

"A friend is a hand that is always holding yours, no matter how close or far apart you may be. A friend is someone who is always there and will always, always care. A friend is a feeling of forever in the heart." ~Henry Nouwen

Friendship Series: Pt 1--My Story

When I was little I had a TON of friends. Everyone I met became my friend! At that time, I become  the best friends with girls who liked roller skating and riding bikes, reading American Girl and Baby Sitter Club books, playing with stuffed animals and Barbies... but then, in the late '80s and early '90s, wasn't that pretty much EVERY girl??

As I got older, girls started falling in to various groups--the athletic girls, the nerdy girls, the girls with boyfriends, the girls with expensive clothes, the girls with cars, etc... And friends became more separated. There were the friends from school, the friends from work, the friends from church--I had friends everywhere! I was always going somewhere doing something with someone.

College was like a friend smorgasbord! I was forced to become friends with (or at least learn to live peaceably with) the roommates I was given (and actually I had pretty fab roommates and girls that lived in my unit). But then there were people from all over the world that came to one place! I'd meet people in class then meet my new friends' friends and suddenly, my social circle had multiplied immensely!

Then... I was an adult... then, I started this horrible "revolving door friendship." Now, before I go too far, let me explain to you this "revolving door friendship" theory that I have. To me, making friends is kind of like dating. You meet someone, you hang out with her in groups, maybe a little one on one.. kinda try it out for a while and see if you two actually *fit* together. You don't have to like ALLLL the same stuff, but do you at least have some shared interests? Laugh at the same things? etc. While I've had several boyfriends, I go through girl friends like the skankiest person alive. I call it a revolving door, because I'll meet a girl and think I really like her. We'll hang out for a while and then something happens (usually nothing dramatic like an actual break up) and we just kinda drift apart. This happened a lot when I got my first real/career'y type job. I would be friends with someone for a few months, then kinda stop talking and meet someone else. Then I'd be her "friend" for a while 'til something would happen, she'd be gone and I'd meet someone else... on and on...

It started happening so much, that I really started to think it was me. Like, okay, something must be wrong with ME because obviously I (for whatever reason) can no longer keep friends. Make them? Sure, no problem! I love meeting new people, learning things about people, caring about people... but keeping them? That was the problem...

So, I took a long hard look at me, and the pattern and what the situations had in common. And the truth was clear as day:

I make shallow, superficial friendships.

There. I admitted it.

But what does it mean, really? It means, I can be "friends" with anybody. I always made the friends that I could *do* stuff with. I had shopping friends, friends to eat with, friends to go out with, etc. But I didn't have the friends that I would open my heart and share what I was really thinking (ha, irony since I'm opening up so much to all of you whom I hardly know hahaha).

Sure, I love getting to know people, but I don't love people getting to know me. I'll sit any listen to anyone's life story and remember it in great detail, but I'll give random, generic answers if people try to get to know me. Why? Sadly, I think it's because I have such a need to be liked, that the fear of people *not* liking who I really am keeps me more closed up.

This is getting super lengthy, so I'm going to wrap it up here. But have you ever felt like that? Do you have true blue friends you can call crying at 3AM? Or do you have the friends that you can call up to go to happy hour?

**disclaimer, this has just to do with girl friendships. I have much less of a problem opening up to boys and keeping them around longer. But that's probably another issue for another time. lol:) These are just my observations/opinions and are in no way meant to offend/insult/upset anyone.